Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Don't Try This At Home


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.

And that’s when the fight started….
***

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And that’s when the fight started….

***
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….



From iowntheworld

Somehow I don't believe that this guy's wife meets some of the standard requirements for a stable relationship...Simply put...I never worried that much about how much time my wife of twenty years (bless her soul) spent in the kitchen. Judy was better known for having the "best walkin' away pants in town"!


Sorry ladies but da facts is da facts!



And in the same vein....

1. Two times a week go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays,You go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

H/T to Pissed





Here is some bonus sarcasm from Ted Nugent...gotta love him!


Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'
The interview ended.


4 comments:

California Girl said...

I'm still laughing at the pic on the top with Obama and Holder in jail.

Scott said...

Glad you like that one...That is why it's at the top. It is linked to a Michelle Malkin piece. Thx for the visit!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

My son is getting married in two weeks. If I'm asked to speak, I'll be back for this material.

Scott said...

Well full congratulations are in order! All my best to both of them! My oldest daughter was just married this summer as well, after a long engagement. She is a hard worker and quite spiritual and wanted things to be just right. I hope that your son won't be in need of some of the advice included here for many a year. It may give him some insight into the post-honeymoon stage however. Good luck with the public speaking thing.