In a belated expression of remorse for the nuclear strikes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki sixty six years ago, President Obama has authorized the Army to launch apologetic nuclear strikes on two American cities. The selection of cities is not final, but they will most likely be Dallas and Houston in a nod to the Democratic desire to attack cities in a "red" state prior to national elections.
After Tokyo had denied Obama's bid to go to Hiroshima to publicly apologize for America’s dropping the bomb there, Obama reportedly sought advice from his staff about an alternative way to turn America's victory in WWII into a matter of national humiliation.
"The point was not to make the Japanese feel better - who cares what they feel? - but to make Americans feel worse," said Press Secretary Jay Carney at a briefing this morning.
"President Obama's mission to fundamentally transform America will not succeed as long as there remain noncompliant citizens who believe in America's goodness and exceptionalism. If all progressive efforts in education, media, and entertainment fail to change minds, it becomes the difficult duty of the president, to establish the image of this country as an imperialist aggressor with suspect motives, guilty of racist and colonialist crimes against humanity, driven by bloodlust and corporate greed, dominating and destroying its innocent victims," Carney said.
In a cable recently disclosed by Wikileaks, Japanese Vice Foreign Minister Mitoji Yabunaka nixed the idea of presidential apology using words that can be loosely translated into English as "if you want to screw with Americans' minds that's your business - just don't screw with ours; we didn't elect you."
The idea to bomb American cities in retaliation for the White Man's Bomb first visited Barack Obama during a sermon given in his church by Reverend Jeremiah Wright: "We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki, and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye... and now we are indignant, because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought back into our own front yards. America's chickens are coming home to roost."
The audacious plan matured in conversations with a colleague and famed educator William Ayers, who developed it further by proposing a list of targets and offering scientific expertise in calculating the fallout. Further brainstorming with members of Obama's cabinet - Valerie Jarrett, Cass Sunstein, Anita Dunn, Van Jones, Kevin Jennings, and especially John Holdren - a long-time proponent of population control - has resulted in the recent White House announcement.
The U.S. media's reaction to proposed apologetic bombing was mostly positive, portraying the president as an "unconventional, out-of-the-box thinker." The trend was best summed up by MSNBC anchor Chris Mathews: "What better way is there to preempt America's racism and geopolitical bullying than to incinerate its own cities?"
Former President and legendary humanitarian Jimmy Carter also endorsed the bombing: "My good friend Michael Moore once said about 9/11: 'If someone did this to get back at Bush, then they did so by killing thousands of people who DID NOT VOTE for him!' So, it only seems natural to make amends for Hiroshima and to equalize the 9/11 impact by launching a strike against Texas."
P.S. Obama makes it too easy: this report is a rewrite of our old editorial from 2005. Once again, life imitates The People's Cube!
The People's Cube